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Paddy was picked up on a theft charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
Sullivan walked into a pub and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what Sullivan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing at all," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor.
"Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Paddy had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a high peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death. 'Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?' Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice: 'I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Paddy. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!' Paddy pondered for a while, and then said, 'Lord, I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?'
'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist. 'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer. Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.
'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman. 'What now?' asked the tourist. 'It'll take you about ten minutes.' 'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.
'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.
Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air. As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it. A hundred yards, then 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter. Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: "You can keep your darned ice cream!"
Brothers Pat and Mick O’Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete jerks the both of ‘em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just
for starters. Finally Mick up and dies, and Pat pays a visit to Father Murphy. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You’ll be givin’ the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say, "Mick O’Malley was truly a saint." "I’ll do no such a thing. T’would be a lie!" Exclaimed the Priest. "I know you will," says Pat. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don’t say those words, I’ll foreclose." The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you’ll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Pat, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, Father Murphy begins the eulogy: "Mick O’Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, miserly, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother Pat, Mick O’Malley was truly a saint."
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful woman are riding together in a train. As the train goes through a tunnel it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! As train comes out of the tunnel the woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The Englishman is thinking, "Blast it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped." The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
Sign in an Irish pub: "This establishment closes at 11 o'clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven't had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven't really been trying."
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance. God replied wisely. "Just wait until you see the neighbors I'm going to give them."
MORE IRISH LOGIC!
A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a Heck of a long time between New Years and Christmas!"
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Sean and his wife Colleen, were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?" "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not" "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not" "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."
'Mr Murphy,' said the boarding house landlady, 'I wonder if you would do me a great favor and change the light bulb in the dining room?' 'Certainly,' said Murphy. Taking the bulb in his hand he stepped on to the highly polished dining table in his hobnailed boots and proceeded to set about the task. 'Hold on,' exclaimed the startled landlady, 'I'll get a sheet of paper to go under your feet.' 'No need,' said Murphy, 'I can reach already.'
A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation with Murphy. He happened to use the word 'mañana'. Murphy asked him to explain what 'mañana' meant. The Spaniard said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No, in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency", replied Murphy.
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of Irish whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and asks, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Mary O’Brien awakes during the night to find that her husband Mick was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Mick appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
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