Paddy suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank.." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" Paddy said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." Paddy replied, "Right, send the bill to my brother-in-law".

Father Flanagan was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival St. Patrick’s parish. "You will understand," he said as he started his speech, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first lad, who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I soon realized that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as Father Flanagan finished his talk, Sean O’Sullivan, a leading local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make his presentation to the assembled crowd. "I’ll never forget the first day our Father Flanagan arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his parish in Co. Cork. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called Councilman Danaher’s office for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is councilman Danaher, how might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O"Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?" Councilman Danaher, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father it was always my impression that you people of the cloth took care of last rites!" There was silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: "Aye, and true it is, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Murphy was in New York for the first time. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The officer would stop the flow of traffic and shout, "Okay pedestrians". Then he’d allow the cars to pass. He’d done this several times, and Murphy still stood on the sidewalk. After the officer had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Always it’s the pedestrians, is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Three friends from the local parish were asked by Father Clancy, "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?  Mick said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."  Pat commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives."   Sean said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!"