Irish Kids

Pat asked his buddy Sean, "What’s the best way to teach a girl to swim?" Sean said, "First you gently place one arm around her waist." But its my sister," said Pat. "Oh!" said Sean, "just push her off a pier!"

Mr. Danaher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?" From the back Paddy shouted, "Cause your feet ain’t empty."

Little Timmy Murphy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?" Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your cat!"

Little Mary Murphy was talking to her teacher about whales. Mary stated that "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." The teacher said, "It was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small." Again Mary stated, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated, "A whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible." Mary said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" Mary replied, "Then you ask him."

Little Danny Quinn was lost at a large shopping mall in Dublin. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I’ve lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What’s he like?" Danny replied, "Jameson Irish Whiskey and the odd bet."

One day little Kathleen Shanahan was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. Kathleen looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Ma?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." Kathleen thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Ma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?"

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Mick received his plate, he started eating right away. "Mick, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don’t have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That’s at our house," Mick explained, "but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook."

Danny, age 6 and Paddy, age 4, are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” said Danny. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” Paddy nods his head in approval. Danny continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with “damn”. Paddy agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks Danny what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some oatmeal.” Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay in there until I let you out.” She then comes back downstairs, looks at Paddy and asks with a stern voice, “And what might YOU want for breakfast, young man? “I don’t know,” he sobs, “but you can bet it won’t be that damn oatmeal”

Mrs. Murphy was getting to know her new students. “What does your father do, Donal?” “He’s a fireman, Mrs. Murphy.” “And what does your father do, Mary?” “He is a lawyer, Mrs. Murphy.” “And what does your father do, Paddy?” “He’s dead, Mrs. Murphy.” “Oh, I see, what did he do before he died?” “He clutched his throat, let out a groan, and fell to the floor.”